What is this weird feeling?

It felt right at first. Then I don't know what happened. Did I subconsciously sabotaged it? I did get rather annoyed and I thought maybe ok that was it. But... the weird feeling came back! And I was no longer annoyed... Then of course there was the really unsettling news.No, it did! It freaked me out like majorly freaked me out but the feeling came back and then it didn't matter anymore.

Now it's all freaking weird because I don't know if it's ok or not. I hate it. And because I'm not sure, I refuse to do anything about it.

What is this I'm feeling? I need a filter.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's all in my head

I need to breathe. I know it's all exciting and it makes me feel alive. And I acknowledge that all this mental pressure that i'm experiencing is all in my head. Seriously, I have to just stop. It's not healthy and it's not productive.

I never knew that when you are so excited (nervous) and infatuated (obsessed) with something (someone), there's this primal instinct to just want to tell the entire world about it.

Ok I'm feeling better already, at least some pressure have been let out.

God I'm such a psycho.

Getting to know me?

I'm in a very strange mood.

I've declared to the world that I'm a troubled child and that I'm facing this so-called "quarter life crisis". Deeply disturbed, I'm impatiently trying to shake off this uncomfortable feeling - sending me in this chase of self-discovery, googling words like "quarter life crisis advice" and "self-discovery".

The result was a series of blogs and advices which I'm on the path of testing its effectivity. Taking the advice from one of the articles, I'm writing down my thoughts so that I can reflect upon them later - a way to get to know myself better. Strange enough, I'm starting to feel that this advice may at least calm me down; I do hope that it will solve my problem or at least polish my writing skills.

In another article which I stumbled upon, it said that we are conditioned to fight discomfort and that our mind actually resist change. Perhaps this is why i unconsciously avoid coming back to Kuching because coming back home is very calming and it shelters my mind from all the disturbances of my daily routine. Honestly, 'm still not sure what to classify this feeling that I'm experiencing, could it be clarity?

I think I should just continue what I'm doing for awhile and see where it leads me. Someone important told me to "follow my heart", the problem is I have two conflicting voices in my heart/mind, I'm not sure which is which. How do you distinguish the voice from your heart between the voice in your head?

Time Portal

It's funny to look back at your past thoughts - it reminds ourselves that we ought to spend more time with ourselves to truly understand what we are capable of thinking.

Having read some of my thoughts after 4 years, some have sent shivers down my spine. Strange... what different effect it now have after freezing those thoughts in time - thoughts that were meant to comfort then now serve as a refreshing reminder that anger has in a way propelled me to do more than I can ever imagine.

I'm grateful.

Metamorphosis

I'm turning 22 soon. I don't know what that means to most people but to me, it's really an end and a beginning.

It is an end to my "childishness" as I can no longer play the childish boy who pretends to be okay with just about anything nor can I play the victim, pretending that I'm okay whenever I get pushed around. Those times are officially over as I am no longer a child.

22 represents the year that I graduate, the year that I will enter the working world, the year that my parents stop supporting me, the year that I will have to pay my own insurans and the year that I will start shinning in my career.

Thus, it is time for me to mark my territory and stand firm on my grounds. The time has come for me to shine and reveal what is really inside me. Throughout the years, I have been trying to conceal my "weaknesses" and that is to truly do what I want by being opiniated and expressing myself in ways some cannot comprehend. I am vain and I am proud. I am not arrogant for I am kind to those who are humble but I am proud of the things I have achieved. I shall not be ashamed or try to conceal it any longer.

Before I was scared how older people would judge me, how they would deem me as young, inexperience and immature. But now, it is not the same. Now, we are equal. They are earning and I am earning. They are working and I am working. The only quantitative way of measuring success here is through career and money. Materialistic as it sounds, it is the only way to show who is the subordinate. They will have to learn work within their boundaries from now on.

Now, the fumes of my pent-up vengance shall be converted in positive energy, driving and motivating myself to be the best I can. All that opposed shall perish while those who support shall flourish.

The times when I walk into a room and question myself whether the bunch of people sitting down there likes me or not are over. It is time for me to walk in and wonder if I like them. If i do I'll stay but if I don't I will walk out because time is precious to me as I am no longer 21.

The butterfly is emerging.

I'll take it is.

Aku tak mengerti mengapa kita tak terjadi. Ku tau perasaanmu, ku reti fikiran mu, namun kita tak menjadi. Tak kira betapa sedih hatiku, tak kira betapa pilu ku rasa, aku kan tetap merinduimu.

Outraged at midnight

I got up from bed now because I am so fucking pissed off at people who think that they have the right to be angry at me for asking for support, throw baseless judgements and go around thinking that their ways are more superior.

If I could broadcast this, I fucking will. Now, i will deal with you as you did with me. Let's play, motherfuckers.

Even if you are fucking right, at least do it in a decent manner. No need for arrogance for I have shown you none. Even if I'm dead wrong, then guide. And if I dont listen, then perhaps I deserve a scolding. But no, I do listen. And now, I'm fucking pissed and let's play the game the way you want it to be played.

The rules:
Be unforgiving, be sarcastic and narrow minded. (Now, that should be easy)

Turn 1.
Never, I say, never go around preaching without setting a perfect example of yourself, fucking shithole. Take time and re-evaluate yourself. If i was at your age being you and what you do, I'd rather be dead. Fuck no am I EVER going to be where you are when Im your age. Remember, ageism goes both ways. Here's one way up your anus.

Turn 2.
It's a good thing I know I turn you on and that I'm probably one of your "special" ones. Let's just hope you hate me. Do yourself a favor. Because if your dick is still doing the thinking for you, I'll make sure you beg. And beg all you want because I'm NEVER coming back. Eat shit and die.

Turn 3.
I may be insecure but you're the one with the fucking insecurities. If ever you think that you are safe from insecurities, you are not only dumb, you are a retard. You wish to change others so that they could fit into your long list of criterions because you are fucking insecure. Instead of compromising or understanding, you are a fucking coward because you are insusceptible to change. You prey on adolescents and seek people who are on the stage of evolving, knowing that its the perfect chance for you to change and mold them just the way you want them to be. It's an irony for me to say this to you but FUCKING GROW UP. The world doesn't circulate around you, you manipulative selfish little shithead.

Turn 4.
You want to be arrogant? And you think that you are experienced? Think again. I don't fucking care if you have the experience to boast or to justify your actions. Because you still suck. If you were as good as you say you are then you wouldn't be the fucking loser you are today. Yada, yada, yada. I'll fucking make sure the next time you look up, you'll be looking at me. I used to look up to you with innocent eyes and the desire to be loved but soon, it's your turn. And your eyes will be filled with regret.

Turn 5.
Be fucking careful the next time you step on someone else's tail. Since you were so unforgiving, I'll show you a whole new meaning to that word. You've bruised my tail and I'll bruise the whole you. It may not be now but I fucking will. I'm keeping the dish at the freezer for awhile so that it's frozen and cold. Because revenge afterall is best served cold.

Turn 6.
Now, decay.

Support scarcity

Now playing: Ganja Mist by Fonka Deluxe

These days I feel that the more I need support from the people I look up to, the harder it is for me to get. It is like when you want iced water and there is no ice in the water. It is like when you walk into Prada and you end up walking out sulking.

I guess the usual response I’d probably get now would be:
1. Grow up! That’s how the world works!
2. My god, you are an attention whore!
3. Well, that’s because you expect people to read your mind and you place expectations on how they should behave towards you.
4. Everything doesn’t have to circulate around you, you know.

Which brings me to my question, whatever happened to support? I don’t expect anyone to give me the support I need. But from people who I treasure, I look up to and the usual people I’d tend to seek support from – say my boyfriend or lover or whatever they are called these days. Instead, the responses I get these days are shrouded with anger, accompanied with the lack of understanding and the inability to empathize.

What happened to talking slowly? Perhaps, speaking in a friendlier tone? Or just giving the facts without making things personal? Obviously, there is a sense of support scarcity here.

So what do I do now?

The “good” part of me tells me to be a better person. It tells me to continue to be nice and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I should just go with the flow and continue being me.

On the other hand, my “evil” side tells me to detach myself from them. Why be nice to people who doesn’t seem to understand the nature of being nice? Obviously, these people need to learn how to articulate themselves properly if their intentions were meant to be good. Should they get away with it? Well according to their rules, the only way is to be harsh (people actually learn that way). So harsh I should be. Letting them get away with it would be charity right now. And right now, I don’t feel so charitable towards the orally impaired.

Bite Me.

2005

Now playing: Gabriel and Dresden Bloom CD1

These are the words I keep repeating to myself during the first few days of 2005.

"What are you waiting for? You'll thrive and live. Go. Fly. And show the world what you're made of. Go!"

If anything is holding anyone of you, just go. Spread your arms, open your heart, reveal your thoughts and unveil your sight. Take on the world like you have never done before.

No more waiting. No more wishing. No more wanting. Just get up and start walking. Don't know where you are going? That's okay as long as you know that you won't want to be stuck at the same old seat that warming up your ass right now.

And so I did. I walked.

Family Values

Since the last post, I have not been consumed with hate nor anger. I feel lighter and happier after the shitloads were flushed back to their skanky homes, away from my life.

Last week, however, I had to see my aunts, cousins and uncles during my grandpa's funeral. I miss him terribly and would like him to be proud of who I will be in the future. Nonetheless, I believe he there watching me for the years to come. Thank you for everything, Grandpa. He passed away peacefully at 102 years old.

The family reunion I have had was indeed an eye opener. I have clearly identified who I cherish and will continue to cherish for the rest of my life. The sad part is that they do not even exceed half of the entire family. I have realised that blood line means nothing to me. To me, family are people who love and will be there for each other no matter what and that includes my friends.

I seek certain values in people. Values like sincerity, honesty, respect and the ability to love. It doesn't matter if my favourtie Aunt and I have troubles speaking the same language nor can she understand what my work is about, I have decided that I will take care of her whenever I can and whenever she is in need, for I have learned to see beyond the superficial part of communication. Her soul is filled with love and that should be rewarded.

While I have identified the people I love, I have also clearly picked out the ones I hate. While to love is to be rewarded, to be mean is to be punished. While I have decided not to lay the first hand, but if the first hand is to be laid to any of my loved ones, I will not hesitate to retaliate with full force. No face nor the slightest form of respect shall be spared for these individuals.

I despise the facades, the faux smiles and the prethought conversations that they carry. It degrades family values. The very values that my grandpa upheld when he lived. I despise how they fakely carry on the values, preaching and telling others what to do when they are the lesser being themselves. They can be my elders, my uncles and my cousins, much older than I am, but confucianism doesn't live in me. I want to be the 21 year old that will shake their core and bring them down to their knees, telling them how disgusting they are with their mambo jumbo teachings on respect and life. Respect is only deserved by the deserving. Having more wrinkles doesn't qualify.

So like I said, lay the first hand and they'll wish that they were born without hands.